Burn After Writing
by Alternatively
Summary: After her first year at Hogwarts, Ginny is determined not to keep a diary. At least, not a proper one.
1. Prisoner of Azkaban

**Prisoner of Azkaban**

_Page torn from the back of her Potions notebook_

Argh! This is doing my head in. I can't not write it down!

I know, I know, I know, but this book is definitely not possessed, and I'm going mental. I'll burn it afterwards, not like I'm writing this as a record or anything. I can't not write it down. I'll use scraps of paper and destroy them straight after, I don't care, but I swear I'll lose my mind if I keep this all bottled up.

It'd be ok if I had some friends, but there's something about, oh I dunno, opening the fricking Chamber of Secrets and letting a giant snake petrify people, and graffitiing the corridors with bloody messages that just, you know, puts people off.

It's the way they look at me. I'm getting tempted to start hamming it up, and like, accidentally on purpose wander about with fake blood dripping off the hem of my robes or something- but I know I can't because they'd all take it way too seriously.

And what's even worse is he rescued me. ME. Makes that silly fantasy about rescuing him seem stupid and childish. Which it is, but. Argh.

I wish I could just behave like a normal human being when he's around. But no, my face goes that spectacular shade of hideous, and I do clumsy idiotic things like fall on my arse or spill food everywhere- mealtimes are a nightmare, and I swear he doesn't even notice. He sits down right there like right next to me and he's so preoccupied with quidditch and Sirius Black and other important stuff that he doesn't even notice when I spill pumpkin juice all down my front, or drop a chicken drumstick in the soup or put my elbow in a blancmange. I mean, thank Merlin for tiny blessings, because everyone else sure as hell notices.

Ron's just as bad, you'd think he'd be a bit nicer to me after everything that happened last year but no, he's too busy arguing with Hermione and talking to Harry about quidditch and generally trying to be all grown up and too cool to talk to his little sister. Jerk.

Yeah, that's not fair, I don't really want him to talk to me. Wouldn't help the social pariah situation.

Fred and George have been… well. Dickheads. At least that's normal. I'm getting sick of all the jelly snakes though.

Hermione's too busy to talk to me. I get it. I am technically responsible for what happened to her last year. I mean, she'd be dead if she wasn't so smart.

I doubt there's any chance we could be friends.

I'm getting pretty desperate, honestly. I apologised to Hagrid for killing his roosters, but he's not exactly an age-appropriate friend. I tried talking to Neville Longbottom, because he's just as much a loner as me and at least twice as clumsy, but turns out he's pretty scared of everything, including people who got possessed by a dead psychopath and set a monster loose on the school.

There's Loony I suppose. But frankly, I need to rehabilitate my image, not reinforce the notion that I might be insane.

_Rose-scented notepaper, 'borrowed' from a dorm-mate_

Wish I had a million galleons. I'd buy him the best broom ever.

Actually, I'd buy me the best broom ever.

We could be broom buddies.

I consider it a sign of respect that I never tried his Nimbus. It was in the broom shed. Won't get a chance now, it's splinters and crushed dreams.

Could pinch one of the Slytherin ones and have a go.

Dunno. Everything Slytherin gives me the creeps.

SIGH.

I hope he likes the card.

I mean, I think it's funny.

George said 'Nice one, Gin,' and winked, so it's definitely funny.

That's how I'll win him over. A campaign of hilarious greetings cards- strictly no poetry though. That Valentine last year went horribly wrong. Baffles me how anything starting 'his eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad' could be taken seriously. Mortifying.

Anyway, at least if I keep up the cards he'll get to know the real me, not the me who trips over her own feet, and butters the tablecloth.

So embarrassing.

_Parchment, back of an essay on Basilisks for Defence Against the Dark Arts_

Write about what you know, right? Sense of humour got the better of me. Professor Lupin is a good egg, gave me top marks (see reverse!), and a counselling session. Dude seems to know a thing or two about being ostracised. I forgive him his gentle kindness only because of the chocolate. At least he has his priorities straight there.

Embarrassed to say I cried. Didn't mean to. His fault. He started going on about how difficult it is to make friends when you have "unusual life experiences" that other students can't relate to. Like. Thanks dude, really needed the reminder that I'm a total freak.

I stole some of his chocolate too. Practicing the Muggle Arts, as Fred would say. I might be a little bit ashamed. He was really nice about everything.

I guess I'm mad at him. It's all very well to tell me that things will get better but look at him for Godric's sake! How well did that work out huh? Not a single photograph in his rooms. Family? Friends? I don't think so.

I wonder what his issue is. He's clearly not very well, and it's obvious this is the first decent job he's had and he's like, thirty and already has grey hair.

There was a calendar marked with the phases of the moon in his desk drawer with the chocolate, so if I had to guess, I'd say he's either a woman or a werewolf.

Wouldn't that be something! Just picture it, mild mannered Lupin, up the top of the Astronomy tower howling at the moon and feasting on the remains of some unfortunate student (my vote: Draco Malfoy).

Can't be though, they'd never let a werewolf be a teacher.

I saw him down by the greenhouses with Sprout the other day, so he's probably just into lunar gardening.

SIGH.

I wish the Dementors didn't have that effect on me, I just want to forget last year and start over. On the other hand, Harry keeps passing out, so maybe we could bond over that?

If he ever notices me, that is.

_Torn piece of parchment_

I'm going insane.

Like, actually this time.

I swear to god I saw Hermione out the window, down by the greenhouses and then like three seconds later she passed me in the hall.

I keep thinking I must've imagined it, but she has super distinctive hair.

Maybe someone was making fun of her and copying it?

It would be totally reasonable to assume my eyes are playing tricks on me, but it's not the first time. I see that girl everywhere.

Maybe my total lack of friends is making me subconsciously fixate on her?

Am I hallucinating?

Does she have a secret twin?

Maybe she's duplicated herself so she can go to extra classes.

That's insane.

I'm insane.

Like actually, certifiably, totally and utterly INSANE.

Maybe I should go talk to Loony. Get some tips.

Ha. Funny.

I'm really scared.

_Back of battered second year timetable_

Urgh, he's so amazing. A full Patronus!

I know people say he didn't do anything back then, because he was just a baby, but like, seriously, he's a freaking hero.

I might be a bit dazzled.

I'm also insanely jealous. They got to ride a HIPPOGRIFF. Colour me green with envy.

Good news on the insanity front though! Such a relief, really didn't know what I was going to do if it got any worse.

Also, very sad about Lupin. He seemed like such a nice person.


	2. Goblet of Fire

**Goblet of Fire**

_Back of an envelope_

I'm so excited I think my head might explode.

QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP BABY!

I never thought this would happen, not in a million years.

QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP!

_Back of a broom advert flyer_

That was so fucking scary.

I guess the one nice thing about being possessed was that I don't remember much of it. That's scary in its own way, but when I saw those muggles… I don't know how to say it right but I felt so female. Probably didn't help that I was in a night gown. Of all the undignified clothing, that really takes the cake. I've transfigured the lot of them into proper pijamas now. I had to do something.

I have never been so grateful to have Fred and George as brothers. I dunno what they thought might happen to me (I mean, I do, obviously, I'm not stupid, I just can't bear to think about it), but I'm so grateful. They just got on either side of me, and held on, wands out, and didn't let go until things calmed down.

I hate that I felt so powerless. I also hate that in that moment I was really glad I wasn't Hermione. I feel so bad for thinking that. She's ok though. Nerves of steel. Sometimes I think she doesn't quite get it, what they'd do to her if they caught her.

Unlikely. She's a genius. Maybe she can't face thinking about it either.

Everyone else is going on about how bad the Death Eaters were. I just keep hoping it's not him_._

Bloody hell, even just thinking about it I'm getting the shakes all over again.

I hope we get someone good for Defence this year.

Maybe TR stuffed me up for good. Or maybe I am just that shallow/obsessed. It was horrible and all, but…QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP! I mean, that was such a spectacular match, and I was there! Something to tell the grandkids! (working on the assumption Harry comes to his senses).

_Page torn from the middle of her Arithmancy notebook_

Several things. First, boys are so unbelievably stupid, and Veela make me nauseas. It's the gratuitous-ness of it all. Second, OF COURSE his name got pulled out of the flipping goblet. I'm starting to think this business about him being the Chosen One is accurate. Like, I saw his face. He didn't put his name in.

I'm losing interest in all this Triwizard nonsense. Everyone has gone mental over it, and QUIDDITCH IS CANCELLED, and instead we have to watch some self-important teenagers fight over nothing. Like the whole school has to watch. If I'm watching Harry and Krum do anything together, I want it to be quidditch. Or maybe mid-air topless wrestling. You know, something with some talent and aesthetic appeal. And definitely without that Veela girl. Eurgh. I am willing to consider Diggory in the quidditch/topless wrestling scenario though. Boy has contours.

_Back of a Support Cedric Diggory flyer_

I take it all back.

Harry James Potter. Firebolt. Hungarian Horntail.

FEELINGS.

_Scrap of muddy parchment_

Weird encounter with Neville. I was bunking off Divination- I have to change subjects, honestly, I thought Hermione was exaggerating, but it's a load of hokum- and I'd nipped down behind the Greenhouses for some peace and quiet in the secret courtyard. I don't know if it's actually secret. Anyway, Neville was there, and he'd found some plant and started telling me all about it like I was a regular person who might be interested in Herbology.

I'd be flattered, except I think he was just excited about his plant.

Still.

Might see what happens if I sit next to him at lunch sometime.

_At the bottom of a page of Divination notes_

Oh my god! Neville asked me to the ball! Many conflicted feelings. I said yes, obviously, I won't get to go otherwise. Does he fancy me though? I thought we were just sort of… almost friends. What if he tries to- EURGH, that's just weird.

Besides, he asked Hermione first, so I'm almost certain it's her he fancies.

I'm just, you know. Spun.

It's like, I know he's a dork, and people make fun of him, but… Whatever, I think he's alright. Besides, he is older, and even though it's not exactly going to do me great favours socially, at least I'll get to go to the damn ball, and then for once I'll have all the info. Those girls are going to be begging me to tell them all about it (and I know who Hermione's going with, and it is JUICY!).

Better than lying awake waiting for them to stop whispering and giggling so I can get some damn sleep.

Wish I didn't have the nightmares.

_Back of the Sleekeazy's application instructions_

Day ruined. Started off immensely funny: Ron asked Veela Girl to the ball. Progressed badly: turns out Harry fancies Cho. Devastated. Even more devastating, I could have gone to the ball with Harry James Potter (Cho said no. Small mercies). But I said I'd go with Neville no-clue-what-his-middle-name-is Longbottom.

SIGH.

Life is incredibly unfair.

Also, I just realised that I tend to only write stuff down when I'm pissed off or obsessing over Harry. I feel shallow and foolish.

ALSO, I hate Ron. Pimping me out to his best mate. What is that about? I mean, yes, I know, Harry James Potter, but still. Not cool. I hope he asks Eloise Midgeon, and I hope she laughs in his stupid face.

_Fresh parchment_

Ron is being such a berk that I'm pretty sure me and Hermione are actually proper friends now. She cried, I told her he was an idiot, and then we had a good chat about Arithmancy. She is so damn smart! I've got her notes from last year to look over and she said if I get stuck she'd help me out. I don't actually need her help, but I wasn't going to say no- that's obviously how she shows she's your friend.

Plus, I mean, Hermione's notes. I'm going to summarise the lot and give them back to her, and I won't need to write anything down in class for the rest of the year. Smarter, not harder, right?

Had a nice time with Nev at the ball. Definitely just a friend thing, which is a relief on so many levels. Interestingly, I don't think he fancies Hermione either. From what he said it's almost more like, she helped him find his toad in first year and he never forgot, even though she's actually hexed him a bunch of times since then. Plus. It sounds rude to say it (and he didn't) but he's still kind of baby faced and she's not exactly known for her looks (Sleekeazy's notwithstanding), so good option really.

Anyway, we swanned about, had punch, chatted to people- you know, I think things are looking up! Got into a massive discussion with a bunch of people about quidditch, and it turns out, I have excellent opinions! At least, Katie and Alicia seemed pretty impressed, and I feel like Dean, Susan and Michael might deign to recognise me in the corridors now. Weirdly, Nev thanked me for amping up his cool factor- he's not exactly sporty.

Also, I rescued a Beauxbatons girl (Claudette?) from a couple of meathead Slytherins, and a miserable looking Hufflepuff from herself. Comfort eating finger food and wishing she'd gone to bed instead I think. Janna or Hannah or something- it was getting pretty rowdy by then. Anyway, I did the dorky dance moves, and got Nev out of his self-conscious anxiety, and Seamus joined in, because he has a sense of humour, and then I spotted that poor girl bailed up in the corner, so I went and just like, shoulder barged the Slytherins (nothing like the element of surprise!), and extracted her. On the way back to Nev we saw Hannah, and a couple of other stragglers, and in the space of about ten minutes I was the centre of a group of happy laughing people all doing the stupidest moves they could think of. Highlight was when that awkward, lunky, Durmstrang boy started trying to break dance! Hilarious.

_Fresh parchment_

1\. Pariah-hood officially over! I wouldn't say I've got close friends, but I certainly have people to hang out with on Hogsmeade weekends! Excellent game of exploding snap, and I am every bit as funny as the twins, if I do say so myself. Everyone was in fits, and Col snorted butterbeer out his nose. Triumph!

2\. Gillyweed is not flattering. So put off by it that I almost couldn't enjoy the sight of him in a wet shirt.

3\. Hermione is best in small doses. I'm having to be diplomatic about SPEW. Nev says it's technically extortion, but her heart's in the right place. I think that's very generous of him. Fortunately, I can usually distract her by asking about Krum.

4\. I know I said I wanted a decent Defence prof, but Moody gives me the heebie jeebies, and I think what he did to Nev is unforgivable. On the plus side, I invented three new hexes just thinking of what I'd like to do to him for upsetting Nev. Also, how is he allowed to wear that magic eyeball in a school?! I know I'm not the only one he makes uncomfortable, and it's not like wearing extra layers would make a difference. Creepy.

5\. I keep bumping into Michael. Starting to think it's not a coincidence… on the plus side, he's super cute and gets all my quidditch jokes.

_Scrap of parchment_

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

_Back of an Arithmancy assignment_

So much confusion. Rumours going round about Death Eaters, and now that I'm not scary any more, people want to know what it's like. I've had to work out how to tell it in a way that doesn't upset me, because if I don't tell them they start getting suspicious that I've got something to hide.

The only thing I have to hide is how scared I am that TR's going to come back. I mean, if he could do it with that diary, who knows what other ways he might reappear?

What if he comes back through me?

Mike doesn't really get it, but then, I don't really get it, and at least he understands enough to give me a hug when I'm a bit wobbly and not ask any questions.

He's a nice shape for hugging.

_Back of a piece of parchment covered in sketches of quidditch plays_

Bunked off Care of Magical Creatures. Had a bad night. It was the one where TR makes me kill my whole family.

Yeah, not exactly cheering.

Too shaky to fly, so I went down by the lake, and thought about tossing myself in. Pointless though. I can swim, and between them, the squid and the merpeople would never let me drown, despite the fact that if they did I could be completely positive TR could never use me again.

Was a bit distracted being morose and didn't notice Luna until she was right there sitting next to me.

Dunno what it is about her, but I feel a lot better now. We had a paddle in the lake and looked for some kind of special rock that I think she just made up. As far as I can tell, the one I picked was just an ordinary pebble. I mean, it's a nice one, but I don't think all the stuff she said about it could be true. On the other hand, it did make me feel better, so maybe that was the point.

It's possible I've been an arsehat for avoiding her for so long.

_Back of Potions notebook_

Don't even know what to say. TR is back. The only consolation is that he didn't manifest through me in any way.

HA. Like that makes a difference in the grand scheme of things.

Yeah, we're all fucked.

Might be cracking up again. Can't stop shaking.

Makes all my anxieties about not having friends seem pointless. We're all going to die anyway.

Can't believe Harry survived. AGAIN.

I think at this point I have to believe he's the Chosen One.

It's a pretty futile hope, but at least it is hope.

I feel sick.


	3. Order of the Phoenix

**Order of the Phoenix**

_Notebook, half the pages torn out_

I don't usually find summer depressing. Maybe it's Grimmauld Place. I can't even appreciate the pun. It's like everything has just gone mental.

On the plus side, all the insanity is on the outside of my head, so that's something at least.

I'm fratricidal about Percy.

Still don't quite know what to make of Sirius. He's got the crazy eyes. Seems like he could be a lot of fun, but I don't think he should be allowed to drink.

Got another letter from Mike today. Not exactly a wordsmith, but it's sweet of him to send me trinkets.

…

Wow, look at all that gloom! Things are much better today. Lupin is back. I still can't get over him being a werewolf with a name like Remus Lupin. Like, what were his parents thinking? Were they _trying_ to werewolf bait?

Anyway, he's not in great nick and mum's been feeding him up. She's started knitting him a jumper. Got a real weak spot for a lost cause- and it's confusing because she's a bit weird about him too, because of the werewolf thing. It's like, she's fine with him, but she's not fine with us you know, spending time with him. Like he's going to go rabid all of a sudden and bite us.

It's cute though, Tonks is totally smitten. Thinks he's adorable. I think he's too old and grey for her, but then, I might be biased because when I was little I thought she was going to marry Charlie.

I guess I didn't think through the whole Metamorphmagus thing before. Like, I just thought it was cool. Retrospectively, I see why she dated Charlie. He's so obsessed with dragons he probably didn't notice she could change any aspect of her body at will, and if he did, he probably wouldn't think much of it.

Maybe that's part of why she's sweet on Lupin. He always knows it's her, doesn't matter what she looks like.

Just quietly, I think he has an enhanced sense of smell. Not going to tell her that though, she's self-conscious enough as it is.

…

They're going to get Harry today. I feel… ambivalent. It's like. I know I'm just Ron's little sister to him, and I know I have a boyfriend, but part of me just can't let go of the feeling. I can't explain it.

Hermione gets it. She pretends she doesn't, but she totally does.

She's so pragmatic. Kinda think it wouldn't hurt her to be a little more obvious though. Ron's never going to notice, the dingbat.

…

Ok, so Harry is a whiny dick.

Also, mum's being a right bitch.

Also, I get panicky every time I think of Harry in Azkaban, not because of him (though that's upsetting too. I mean, I'm over him, but he's still Harry), but more because I want to play competitive quidditch and win the World Cup and I can't do that if I've been murdered by Death Eaters.

Should've burnt this page already. Will do it now.

_Notepaper_

HE GOT OFF!

MUCH EXCITEMENT AND JUBILATION!

…

I have NO IDEA how Ron ended up as Prefect.

And I know I shouldn't be jealous, but where's MY new broom?

Wood finished up last year so there's a VACANCY! If I had a decent broom, I could try out, and I know I'd make the team, I'M GOOD.

I know, I know, I'm a horrible person, and Ron has it worse because he's a boy, and at least I get new clothes and shoes occasionally. SIGH.

On the up side, if he has it, I can fly it.

…

Oh my god I feel like a monster. He actually said I could fly it sometimes.

I don't even care that he might've said it just to impress Hermione with his maturity and benevolence. I'll take it.

_Back of an envelope_

Poor mum.

Don't know what else to say really. She's right.

We're not all going to make it.

Think the others are all in denial.

Ron keeps making her cups of tea. He can be really sweet when he's not being a prat.

_Page ripped from the middle of Care of Magical Creatures notebook_

I feel like hell. Mum fixed all my broken bones and gave the twins a verbal flaying, but I'm not likely to forgive them any time soon. TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. Thought for a second they were going to do TR's job for him and finish me off. It's like they think it doesn't matter because MAGIC. Tell you this for free, being bashed down two flights of stairs by a pair of fighting, overstuffed trunks with nasty sharp corners fucking HURTS.

Still have a headache. Couldn't go and find Mike because if Harry finds out he'll tell Ron and Ron'll go apeshit and tell mum, and she doesn't need anything else to worry about (not that there is anything to tell. We haven't even kissed yet.)

Nev has a Rare Plant. It squirted stinksap everywhere and Harry made a big thing of it because Cho turned up and apparently, me, Nev, and Luna aren't cool enough.

So glad I'm over my stupid crush.

Luna is a hoot. Told Harry to his face that he was a rotten date. Fair, he was. I'm really glad I went with Nev after all.

_Back of a page of notes on goblin riots_

I've been wracking my brain, but I just can't think of anything that might help. I don't think TR would let me remember anything important, at least not deliberately.

I have to try though, right? What if somewhere jammed into my stupid head I have important information that might help bring the bastard down?

_Back of an envelope_

Ron made the team. He wasn't that great though, made me wish I'd tried out. Could've done better, even on the old stick that steers too far to the left and has the speed of an over excited flobberworm.

Mike has taken to sucking on peppermints. I'm tempted to wait until he's just eaten something really garlicky, and go snog him while he's off guard. Probably he wouldn't find it funny though, and actually, it's quite considerate.

Not sure I can be bothered waiting for him to screw up his courage. Think I'll kiss him tonight.

_Scrap of note paper_

Worried this might be dangerous. The Cardigan Toad has tentacles everywhere. Putting my thoughts on paper feels risky.

I might be a tad neurotic about writing.

Might go find Hermione. We could be overheard, but it just feels safer.

_Margin of the Daily Prophet_

I have to stop writing.

It's not safe.


End file.
